artisloveisart

I don't know what to feel anymore. I was angry when i found out because i thought it was unfair for her to go when she fought so hard. now i'm confused most of the time. at times i am in denial because i was not there to see her go. when it sinks in, i get really sad and cant help but cry. then id hear the funny things she'd say in my head and i'd laugh. finally, i would feel proud and happy of how strong she was and that she's not suffering anymore. i'd accept and move on for a moment.
Then the cycle starts again.

Waking up in the morning is the hardest part.
it's when i realize that it wasn't a dream.

and at night, when everyone's sleeping and it's quiet outside,
i wonder of how she's doing, and that she's happier where she is now.

I'm glad i experienced the first few years in Melbourne with you. back then we were the two 18 year old fresh out of high school first time on our own arch photography blog freaks lost in melb. you were more passionate about architecture, i just went with the flow. we had our ups and downs but we always managed to get through them. we did talk about death once. how one of us would "handle things" when the other passes on. but that was a long time ago. we didn't take it seriously. i didn't expect it would catch up to one of us so soon.

I miss you smare. im sorry i couldnt be there to say goodbye. i know i promised to get home whenever you need me. i honestly didnt know you were getting worse. i hope you understand. i hope you'd forgive me if i've ever hurt you in any way. here i was telling everyone that you were getting your treatment and you'll be back soon. I was so convinced.
but i understand you had to leave.
rest in peace my-sara,

love
aaput